Why Do I Still Care About What My Ex Does?
by Dear DDD

Why do I still care what my ex does after #divorce? via @divorcedrama

Dear DDD,

I have been divorced for nine years now and I find myself still upset over my EX’s actions and how it affects my kids. I guess seeing my children’s feelings hurt or seeing them upset will always keep me in this mode of finding fault with my EX and letting him know what an ass he really is. Why do I care about what he does or does not do? His actions will only affect his relationship with his kids, not mine.

Trying to explain over and over again, to this idiot EX of mine, that what he does, the actions he chooses, and how it affects our children is exhausting. Why do I let it drive me crazy? Why? Because I love my kids? Because my EX thinks he is above the law? Because my Ex is a narcissistic pig who thinks he does no wrong? Sometimes I think maybe it’s just me, me trying to prove that I’m right. But here is the crazy thing: in my EX’s eyes, I will never be right. He sees his actions as perfect because no one ever tells him differently. Of course his wife is going to agree with him, because she encourages his bad behavior towards his children and me. The less time spent with his children is the more time spent with her and their family. She sees me as the CRAZY BITCH! His friends will always agree with him because he is not telling them the full story.

My EX left town over Memorial Day weekend, but told our kids he would be gone Friday and Saturday. Great, fine, everybody is entitled to have a vacation and some fun. My EX is away every weekend, he never sees his kids, and when he is in town, he is tending to his two toddlers and wife. Our children are teenagers, they don’t want to go to a Barney-themed birthday party and push kids in strollers. They want to hang out with their father and do things that teenagers do.

Sunday came and I told my kids to give their dad a call and make plans to see him. Wouldn’t that be a nice thing for them? (Not to mention getting the house to myself – no kids, no friends, no cooking, and no cleaning up!) But I didn’t get the response I was hoping for…

“Dad’s not home, he’s coming home Monday.”

I looked at my son with such disappointment. “MONDAY?”

“Yeah, he is coming back Monday to have a barbecue with his friends.”

I shook my head – not on purpose, it just started twitching. Sort of the way you do when you just get out of a pool, and you’re trying to get the water out of your ears.

“Did you say he is coming home Monday to have a barbecue with his friends?”

I was like the exorcist; I was so pissed to think that after he was away all weekend with his wife and two babies, he planned a barbecue with his friends on Memorial Day instead of coming home and making his children a priority and spending a day with them.

Maybe I’m crazy, but something is wrong, something is seriously wrong with this man’s thought process. He clearly doesn’t see what he does, and has no concept of why I get upset by his actions.

Monday morning arrived, and everyone was making plans for the day. The big question was what time the summer-kick-off barbecue would begin. I told my kids that we were not barbecuing, that instead the plan was for them to go to their father’s house for his party.

You would have thought I had committed a mortal sin.

“We are not going over there with Dad’s friends and all of those little kids.”

Smiling ear to ear I said, “Oh, yes, you are. Put on your Happy faces because… you’re going!”

And then, finally, a little peace and quiet. I was finally starting to relax when I heard a car pull up and car doors closing. They’re back! They’re back?! They had left our house not even an hour ago.

The first thought that came to my head was something happened.

“What happened?!”

“Nothing. We ate and left. Daddy was busy talking to people, and every time he would talk to us, ______(his wife) would call him over to her, so we left.”

Maybe it’s my own thought process and I look too deeply into everything. Maybe it’s because I’m a mother and I think differently; but I know I am not wrong to think his behavior is disgusting. I know if I say anything to my EX it will only go in one ear and out of the other and he will just make some excuse for this weekend. I will never get him to understand that his actions are wrong. The sad part of the whole situation is that I know it bothers my children. They won’t come out and say that it bothers them, but I know that it does. My motherly instincts sense this, but I also know they don’t want to upset me so they act like everything is okay.

I could give a rat’s ass about what my EX does and how he lives his life but when his actions and decisions affect our children, I’m going to let him know what an ass he really is. When will I ever live in peace, away from the frustrations this man brings into my life? Just once I want to hear my EX say to me, “You’re right. I’m sorry and I will think about the kids’ feelings next time.”


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