by Dear DDD
I was married for 12 years and during this time I had 3 amazing children. At my husband’s request (*cough cough* demand), I gave up my career to devote all of my time and energy to being a wife and mother (oh, and basically a human slave under constant criticism.)
Going through my divorce, I learned that I wasn’t dealing with the man I once knew. I became my ex’s business deal. Over the past 8 years of living with my divorce, I have felt every possible emotion. I have given so much of my time to everyone else that I have completely forgotten me – my likes, dislikes and what makes me happy.
If anyone tells you that divorce is easy, you better get their recipe for success. Everyone tells me to FORGIVE and that when I do, I will become friends with my ex and this will make co-parenting (and life in general) so much easier. I tried this, but forgiving the same person EVERY day becomes exhausting. The daily phone calls, text messages, degrading comments, constant attorney fees… being divorced is like sitting everyday on hot coals. The wounds on my ass are as big as grapefruits, with my ex’s face beaming from every scorched mound. But it gives me great pleasure to think that if I’m getting burned, at least he’s down there in the flames, too.
I try not to discuss my divorce drama with my friends because as much as I am sick of the drama, so are they. You know you’ve had a terrible experience when your friends send newly divorced women to speak to you. My phone is ringing off the hook lately – I have become the Madame of Divorce.
What I have learned from all of the new divorcees is this: divorce follows the same patterns and behaviors, deception, ridicule and shame.
My perception of divorce was that the toxic behavior would go away and both he and I would move forward to a healthy and happier way of life. What the heck was I thinking?! The only difference in my life now is that I do not sleep with him or live under the same roof. The daily phone calls, emails and text messages haunt my existence. And when kids are involved, the drama continues until the day you die. We will always be our children’s parents – we will need to communicate to make parenting decisions, and will have to attend many events during our children’s lives.
Until the day I die, I will always be the first wife, someone’s ex — and all of the stereotypes that go with it.
Recently I found my diaries from when I was a young girl. Looking back at the pages of drama from my adolescent years brought back the best memories and made me realize how simple and amazing life was. Those diaries inspired me to start the Divorce Drama Diary. My only hope is that when I’m old and grey, I can look back once again at my diary, light a cigarette, and maybe one day forgive him.